DRIVEL: Opinions and Reviews copywriter
[Written after reflecting on the state
of Personal ads]
"I need to be around women, but not
your heart smashed enough times?
Successfully escaped from one irreplaceable
girl and lived to regret it?
So you're back in the ring -- with
offers of backwashes and requests for someone to read in bed with.
[both taken from actual Personal ads]
Are you lusting after
contentment, the most elusive state?
You've been wandering and swaggering
and squandering and staggering steadily back to something you're now pretty sure you once
had. Only this time, you promise you’ll take it seriously when you find it. And this--as you also now know--depends on your desire and your skill. (Acquiring a Testarossa™ ain't the same as knowing how to shift
gears, as all Redheads™ know.)
Can you deal with a long slow getting-to-know
stage? No more shipwrecks with hormones at the helm? Sure, why not?--it's the only thing that ain't old.
Could you also deal with a "Re-arrange
me on a subatomic level in seconds flat and I’ll follow you
anywhere" stage? Oh yeah. Have feet; can be swept off them. (for authenticity, not stagecraft.)
advertise for women who are artistic, entrepreneurial, strong/flexible, audacious, confident,
earthy, educated, tender, playful, socially and culturally fluent, grounded in common sense—Simone Boop or Betty de
Beauvoir—who cook, who dance. You want an instant harem.
I can tell you in return that I’m fiercely proud of my life.
It reeks of survival and hospitality and optimism.
Blissed and spent in a good man's arms, is my antidote for
any of life's tests. Within something called a boudoir. In the old-school reverent sense. The lab, the workshop, the shrine, the altar, the playpen, the salon, the reading room, the brunch room, the dressing room, AND the most excellent fort with a lock and everything.
Woman also have whims:
Be fit and stand
up straight like gravity is a rumour. Stare at us. Tolerate
us staring back. Be unafraid of visible pleasure. Think carefully about running your life
around your dog's bladder and bowels. And please, ditch the dark colored sheets and towels....navy wasn't invented for laundry done quarterly. Thank you.
BIG FAT KEY TO IT ALL: Stop looking for the catch. Sometimes, you contaminate reality with your due diligence.
A year from now, this will be a year ago, so make a toothsome memory, if nothing else.
And so men chase women they
have no intention of loving—just like dogs chase cars they
have no intention of driving. [--Anon.]
Dogmen, please learn to drive.
Prayer to St. Audacious, patron of the Personals:
"Bless us all for still believing in the transformation
for craving—and being—a true ally.
anniversaries, still staring at each other: If it's a dream, give us sweet dreams.
And let us run on kindness until we evolve wisdom."
cartoons from www.cartoonbank.com]
were getting along fine—and then
she started trying to bring out the best in me."